Pinball Wizard (I Wish I Was)

I’m going to begin this week with a very straight forward statement, one that I have recently decided I feel very passionately about: video game conventions are stupid. Now, before assumptions are made and conclusions jumped to, let me explain.

I spent a significant portion of this last weekend at a Pinball Convention. Now, I know it would be easy to hear the word “convention” tacked onto the end of another word (anything with a relatively small but devoted following) and assume any jokes I tell at its expense, or reasoning I have for it being stupid, will resort to the typical imagery of acne laden, bespectacled nerds filling an auditorium with the kind of behavior and discussions as to blatantly demand a round of wedgies, but I’m simply not going to go down a route as easy and clichéd as that (because I’m not the writers of Big Bang Theory.) No, I maintain that video game conventions are not dorky havens for the anti social, but are, simply put, stupid.

For as much as I love video games, and pinball especially, I emerged into that huge arcade bright and eager to take on the toughest of challengers. I scanned the arena before picking anything to make sure I had a great first game. Finally settling on a jungle machine was fairly difficult because there were so many themes to choose from, but eventually I began my game.

Cleavage is a theme, right?

And let me just say, I pressed the living daylights out of those flippers. That shiny, little marble bounced all around, rolling through loops and hitting targets all over the place. After three rounds of lightning fast reflexes and precision flipping, the game ended, and I triumphantly crossed my arms, smirked slightly, and read out my score. Not being one for numbers I looked around to gauge how impressed everyone else must have been. But there were no accolades or applause; everyone else was still rapt in their own games. These people around me had mostly started right as I did, yet they were still on ball 2 for the most part, and a handful of them were only on ball 1! The outrage!

I found out at that moment the kinds of people who go to Pinball Conventions: people who are insanely, supernaturally good at pinball. I also found out the kind of person who I myself am: someone who is neither insanely nor supernaturally good at pinball. And these weren’t just uber nerds either, who give me the satisfaction of ridiculing their lack of girlfriends when they get a better score than me. These were normal, healthy, occasionally attractive men, many with girlfriends, or wives even! Some there were girls, who will never ever be my girlfriend now that they know I can only get through two ringmasters on Cirqus Voltaire.

You'll be my girlfriend, won't you spring lady?

And did I mention mature?! Do you know how embarrassing it is to look through the high scores and realize you’re the only one who’s typing in three letter curse words?

My point is that these people with their uncanny pinball prowess ruin the fun of playing games for the rest of us who aren’t X-Men. So if you still haven’t realized that it’s not that impressive to get to the first challenging stage of Galaga (that’s right, there’s more than one), I suggest we all collectively take our ball and go home. You ruin everything, and it’s not fun anymore.