Job Jitters

I was starting to think this day would never come, but here at long last it is: I have a job. Granted, it’s only a temp job and doesn’t look to last long, but it does mean I have a reason to leave the house, and I got to use a cash register, and I’m pretty certain this place doesn’t pay in monopoly money (although the “Get Out of Jail Free” cards I got as a Christmas bonus have been useful). For those interested, I work the cash register afternoon shift 2 days a week at a local greenhouse and market. This time of the year is rather slow, so I probably only get 6 to 7 people over my 4 and a half hour shift. As you can see, this shouldn’t be so hard. Let me go ahead and walk you through what a normal day thus far consists of.

10:00 AM: At home. Remind self I have a job now, and I can’t forget to show up (again).

10:30 AM: I Dream of Jeannie marathon starts.

2:40 PM: Suddenly remember that my shift started 10 minutes ago, and rush to get ready (during commercial breaks).

3:10 PM: 40 minutes late (again.) I explain that I was distracted by a I Dream of Jeannie marathon. I am fired. I correct myself; it was a Matlock marathon. I am granted a second chance.

3:30 PM: First customer. Phew. I was getting worried for a minute. They look around for a while.

3:45 PM: They bought a Fruit Roll Up? Just a Fruit Roll Up? They show for 15 minutes and that’s all they get? What is wrong with humanity, I ask.

4:00 PM: No one else has shown up yet. I’m starting to wonder if there’s been some kind of cataclysmic event that wiped our humanity, and somehow I’ve survived because of some kind of, um, I dunno, radiation that the vegetables give off. I am alone. So very alone.

4:35 PM: Still no one. My hopes for the survival of the human race are dwindling. I believe if there were survivors I would have heard something by now.

4:57 PM: I have begun constructing the necessary tools for survival. I set fire to the crates that held the watermelons, so I will be able to keep warm. I have designated the former cash register desk as the lookout point, and using a pair of binoculars I fashioned out of paper towel rolls I am scoping out the charred and burnt countryside (which looks surprisingly pristine for having just survived an atomic holocaust.) I have spotted several cows wandering the deserted plains, and have contemplated using them for food. They would be heavily irradiated, but when the winter months set in, I’ll need to stay alive no matter what.

5: 48 PM: I have made my first kill! Crossing what used to be a street, I ventured boldly into the cows’ habitat, and used a bow and arrow I made to hunt one down. I am now a man!

6:27 PM: I am so lonely. After finishing off my kill, the tragic hopelessness of my situation set in. Staring at the raging inferno of the watermelon crate fire, I just sat there contemplating what was left of my life. When the embers finally died out, I began to weep. It feels like I’ve cried for days. And with no one here to console me, I feel like it will be several more days before I stop, or until I collapse from dehydration.

6:59 PM: Swing low, sweet chariot…

7:00 PM: Oh, hey my shift’s over. That wasn’t so bad, was it?

7:10 PM: I am fired.