Plain as Day

While I haven't been watching too much current TV recently, I have been keeping pretty close tabs on what's actually on TV now. And I've come to the startlingly sudden realization that the most popular setting for shows anymore is a crime scene investigation. Even more than just that, it's specifically a lower name celebrity playing a character with a gimmick that plays a coincidentally large factor in the resolution of every case. Whether it's Tony Shaloub with OCD, Tim Roth as a human lie detector, or Jeff Goldblum forgetting he's not in the 6th Sense, there's always a crime, there's always a celebrity, and there's always a gimmick. So to jump the gun on what is sure to eventually happen, I'm going to present to you a preview of my own crime scene investigation drama, Plain as Day. The hero is Detective Jack Day, who has an uncanny knowledge of typical TV mystery twists and turns. Here's a sample of the script:

(Open on a police lineup, Jack Day being led in, presumably following a cantankerous but ultimately likeable police chief begrudgingly saying, "Get me Jack Day.")

Day: So what's the deal?

Attractive Female Officer: It's a murder, sir. A moderately rich man was found dead in his mini-mansion. Shot dead.

Day: Any leads?

Officer Attractive: His wife. She was having an affair, she holds his life insurance policy, and she was found with the murder weapon.

Day: Let her go, she's innocent. We introduced her before the first commercial break, and it's never that obvious. Anyone else?

Officer Attractive (leading Day through the suspect lineup): His mistress, his brother, his stockbroker, and his veterinarian.

Day: It wasn't his mistress, she's the snarky hooker with a heart of gold; it wasn't his stockbroker because he's gay and secretly in love with the victim (and it's never the token minority); it wasn't the vet because no one of that noble profession can ever kill, so he's a red herring. No, it was his impoverished brother who is secretly in love with his wife and is the one having an affair with her.

Brother: It's true!

Gay Stockbroker (Dressed like Elton John, but he doesn't have a lisp. That would be tacky.): How did you know?

Day: Because it's as plain as Day.

(Suddenly the wife comes in, still holding the murder weapon.)

Wife (to the Brother): You killed my husband?!

Brother: I did it for us!

Wife: I could never be with you! Sure I was having an affair with you, and my husband was chronically unfaithful, but I still loved him! (Points gun at brother.)

Chief Curmudgeon: Quick, someone talk her out of it!

Day: It's fine. She can't actually do it.

Wife (drops gun and hangs her head.): You're right, I can't.

(Cue a bittersweet montage of people looking wistful along to a barely off mainstream moody alternative song rife with repetitive acoustic guitar chords.)

How's that, huh? What? You say it's too preposterous? Well, I got you covered. Let's take a look at Day's pseudo-realistic (read: depressing) home life. His first wife was murdered, but never solved; his second wife divorced him and has his daughter who periodically guests as the sharp tongued teen during the home scenes; and his current, third wife is secretly planning to kill him. Let's read a scene at home:

(Day is at home and is relaxing, as symbolized by his unbuttoned white dress shirt over a wife beater with his untied tie draped over his shoulders and neck. He is playing Clue with his cute, blonde, too-young-for-him wife.)

Day: Colonel Mustard with the Revolver in the Library.

Wife: How did you know that?

Day: There are only two of us playing. Clue is a game for 3 to 6 players.

Wife: You didn't even look at your cards.

Day: It was as plain as Day.

Wife (to herself): Sometimes, I swear, I could just kill him... (Cue "Dun Dun Dun")

So how's that? Too formulaic you might say. This may be true. But it could be worse, it could be something that showed a spark of originality or didn’t attempt to rely entirely on the star or hot co-star or gimmicky premise. Thank goodness it wasn’t something else dreadfully creative. So count your lucky stars that it’s plain. Plain as Day.