As you know, I don’t keep up to date with a whole lot of things. SNL is not one of those things. Unlike politics, the economy, the stock market, basic news, and higher education, SNL is important to me, and just about every Saturday night you’ll find me holding up the rabbit ears (seriously, even in the switch to digital, I still rely on rabbit ears), and pressed to the TV (quite literally, also because of the rabbit ears). And let me tell you, for a recent record of four episodes, this episode has been dynamite, until last weekend. Not to say they didn’t try, but when the best they can get out of a dead on Jimmy Stewart impression is a lengthy fart joke, and when two Kristen Wiig characters who I had hoped were gone for good returned, it’s time to drop the “Days Since an Accident” sign back to zero. To celebrate SNL’s most recent return to mediocrity, I have written the greatest skit featuring the worst (current) recurring characters. It will, unfortunately, never be acted out, as in real life, there aren’t enough Kristen Wiigs.
Opens in a restaurant; Nicolas Fehn, skewed political commentator, sits with Jean K. Jean, French comedian, are sitting together at a table, waiting for others to arrive.
Nicolas Fehn (holding a newspaper): Say, have you seen these headlines, Jean? They can’t print that!
Jean K. Jean: Man, where is everybody? I’ve been waiting to eat so long, I could eat a dozen Toblerone bars! (Shouts) Merci beaucoup!
Nicolas Fehn: No, look Jean, when you’re trying to make a joke… You have to say things that… Look, when people are laughing… No one thinks that… If I could borrow your ear… At you, not with you, at you not with…
(Is interrupted by the door opening, and in walks Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb.)
Kathy Lee (In a “funny” voice): Oh, hey fellas, this here is a fellas table, so Hoda, you’re sitting here. Get it? Fellas… (mouths “what?”)
Hoda: I get it…
(More and more tired, recurring characters enter the restaurant, and sit in the seats. Finally, when everyone is present, DJ Dynasty Handbag takes a microphone at the front of the room.)
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Alright, is everybody here? Okay, then I have some bad news to tell you all. I have recently heard word that the higher ups are finally getting as fed up with us as the audience is.
T-Shane: Yeah, as fed up as Britney Spears at an all you can eat buffet. Amiright?
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ooh-ee, T-Shane. Did you forget you’re not a hot air balloon, cause all that just came out is hot… No, sorry, now is not the time for falling back on stale diatribe. This is important, people, because if we don’t get our acts together, we are all cancelled.
Penelope (Pops out of nowhere, and talking in a “funny” voice): I’m already cancelled, except I’m still here, and that just means I can’t be cancelled, cause I’m like the cancellation undead, I’m totally a zombie…
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well, regardless, this is a dangerous situation for all of us, because if we don’t manage to come up with some new material… (pauses as an arrow is shot into his shoulder) Now, who did that?!
Gilly (armed with a cross bow, and talking in a “funny” voice): Sorry. (Gilly theme song plays)
Lorenzo McInstosh (savagely jumping in Gilly’s face): You think that craps funny? Cause if you like shooting people so much with arrows, how bout you try fighting a whole war among the stars armed with nothing but a cross bow, even though you’re seven feet tall, and even then they won’t give you a medal, cause this here is REAL!
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Look, people I’m serious here, we need to get some new material or they will cancel us!
Jon Bovi: Well then it’s a good thing that we have some new material in the form of our newest opposite cover song, “He Says You Have to Go Away”. And a 1, 2, 3, 4 (singing) He says, you have to go away, there’s plenty of places they can call someone else’s…
DJ Dynasty Handbag: No, guys, that isn’t new material, you’re just going to great lengths to ensure no one has ever made the same joke as you even though its involves something entirely unoriginal
Jon Bovi: What? What? What?
Nicolas Fehn: Well, I’m totally new material, also, and I can show you if you’ll just let me read from this newspaper…
DJ Dynasty Handbag: NO!
Nicolas Fehn: Hey look, I have just as much a right as anyone to… You know what’s great about this country… This here… This here is a map on the back of the Declaration… You don’t have this kind of freedom in… What a country… say, have you ever hunted lions in the Scottish highlands?
DJ Dynast Handbag: ENOUGH! Will someone here please come up with something original so we don’t all get cancelled?
Penelope: I have plenty of things that are new and original, I’m one hundred percent original, and I’m always new because I have a radio uplink to a supercomputer that writes new jokes for me every second, and I have a mutant ability to constantly regenerate so I’m always new, and I also have metal claws…
Kathy Lee Gifford: Hey, you want some original material, I’m sure I can come up with a double entendre about new material and then say Hoda’s name funny. Hoda Kotb, Yoda Kotb, Soda Popb, Grope a Hot Me, TeleDocMe, Gotta Go Pee…
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Are you just about done?
Kathy Lee Gifford: …North Dakota Fanny.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Look, guys, I didn’t want to tell you this, but there is a bomb underneath this restaurant hooked up to a Stale-O-Meter, and by my calculations, we’ve used up almost all of our stale jokes. It can only take a couple more stale jokes before we all go up in smoke.
Hoda Kotb: Handbag’s right, we’ve got to create some actually decent sketches for once, and not just for our own survival, but to fulfill the purpose which was our duty from our very creation: to entertain viewers. Because, in the long run, it is not important whether we recur, or do not recur; explode, or not explode; but instead, what matters is whether we entertain. And I for one haven’t been entertained, so why would anyone in the audience? We have failed in our mission, the mission that makes our existence not just possible, but legitimate, and if we do not see the error of our ways, turn from this path of folly, and march on to righteous hilarity, then we are not worth saving.
(Long time of silence)
Penelope (slowly, deferentially stands): I...
Opens in a restaurant; Nicolas Fehn, skewed political commentator, sits with Jean K. Jean, French comedian, are sitting together at a table, waiting for others to arrive.
Nicolas Fehn (holding a newspaper): Say, have you seen these headlines, Jean? They can’t print that!
Jean K. Jean: Man, where is everybody? I’ve been waiting to eat so long, I could eat a dozen Toblerone bars! (Shouts) Merci beaucoup!
Nicolas Fehn: No, look Jean, when you’re trying to make a joke… You have to say things that… Look, when people are laughing… No one thinks that… If I could borrow your ear… At you, not with you, at you not with…
(Is interrupted by the door opening, and in walks Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb.)
Kathy Lee (In a “funny” voice): Oh, hey fellas, this here is a fellas table, so Hoda, you’re sitting here. Get it? Fellas… (mouths “what?”)
Hoda: I get it…
(More and more tired, recurring characters enter the restaurant, and sit in the seats. Finally, when everyone is present, DJ Dynasty Handbag takes a microphone at the front of the room.)
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Alright, is everybody here? Okay, then I have some bad news to tell you all. I have recently heard word that the higher ups are finally getting as fed up with us as the audience is.
T-Shane: Yeah, as fed up as Britney Spears at an all you can eat buffet. Amiright?
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ooh-ee, T-Shane. Did you forget you’re not a hot air balloon, cause all that just came out is hot… No, sorry, now is not the time for falling back on stale diatribe. This is important, people, because if we don’t get our acts together, we are all cancelled.
Penelope (Pops out of nowhere, and talking in a “funny” voice): I’m already cancelled, except I’m still here, and that just means I can’t be cancelled, cause I’m like the cancellation undead, I’m totally a zombie…
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well, regardless, this is a dangerous situation for all of us, because if we don’t manage to come up with some new material… (pauses as an arrow is shot into his shoulder) Now, who did that?!
Gilly (armed with a cross bow, and talking in a “funny” voice): Sorry. (Gilly theme song plays)
Lorenzo McInstosh (savagely jumping in Gilly’s face): You think that craps funny? Cause if you like shooting people so much with arrows, how bout you try fighting a whole war among the stars armed with nothing but a cross bow, even though you’re seven feet tall, and even then they won’t give you a medal, cause this here is REAL!
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Look, people I’m serious here, we need to get some new material or they will cancel us!
Jon Bovi: Well then it’s a good thing that we have some new material in the form of our newest opposite cover song, “He Says You Have to Go Away”. And a 1, 2, 3, 4 (singing) He says, you have to go away, there’s plenty of places they can call someone else’s…
DJ Dynasty Handbag: No, guys, that isn’t new material, you’re just going to great lengths to ensure no one has ever made the same joke as you even though its involves something entirely unoriginal
Jon Bovi: What? What? What?
Nicolas Fehn: Well, I’m totally new material, also, and I can show you if you’ll just let me read from this newspaper…
DJ Dynasty Handbag: NO!
Nicolas Fehn: Hey look, I have just as much a right as anyone to… You know what’s great about this country… This here… This here is a map on the back of the Declaration… You don’t have this kind of freedom in… What a country… say, have you ever hunted lions in the Scottish highlands?
DJ Dynast Handbag: ENOUGH! Will someone here please come up with something original so we don’t all get cancelled?
Penelope: I have plenty of things that are new and original, I’m one hundred percent original, and I’m always new because I have a radio uplink to a supercomputer that writes new jokes for me every second, and I have a mutant ability to constantly regenerate so I’m always new, and I also have metal claws…
Kathy Lee Gifford: Hey, you want some original material, I’m sure I can come up with a double entendre about new material and then say Hoda’s name funny. Hoda Kotb, Yoda Kotb, Soda Popb, Grope a Hot Me, TeleDocMe, Gotta Go Pee…
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Are you just about done?
Kathy Lee Gifford: …North Dakota Fanny.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Look, guys, I didn’t want to tell you this, but there is a bomb underneath this restaurant hooked up to a Stale-O-Meter, and by my calculations, we’ve used up almost all of our stale jokes. It can only take a couple more stale jokes before we all go up in smoke.
Hoda Kotb: Handbag’s right, we’ve got to create some actually decent sketches for once, and not just for our own survival, but to fulfill the purpose which was our duty from our very creation: to entertain viewers. Because, in the long run, it is not important whether we recur, or do not recur; explode, or not explode; but instead, what matters is whether we entertain. And I for one haven’t been entertained, so why would anyone in the audience? We have failed in our mission, the mission that makes our existence not just possible, but legitimate, and if we do not see the error of our ways, turn from this path of folly, and march on to righteous hilarity, then we are not worth saving.
(Long time of silence)
Penelope (slowly, deferentially stands): I...
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