The Only True Test of Skills

It is the prerogative of critics to judge who they believe to be the best (and the worst) performers in their given genre. Over the years, they have derived many forms of critiques and rhetoric to aid in their decision making process. In the media of cinema, there are actors who are appropriately decided to be the best and worst actors of all time. Decisions here seem to be made based on the versatility of roles and the intensity of individual performances. These are all well and good in deciding how good you consider an actor to be, but these judgments are so varied in their effect on people that they become difficult to truly gauge ability. Some critics may enjoy a performance and say that it delves into the subtlest of details with great results; other may deride the same role as being too little or too much. Either way, there is a problem with current method of judging an actor’s ability, and, dear audience, I believe I have found the solution.

I call it The Muppet Factor. The roles that define an actor’s career can vary greatly, and too often their cultural significance relies on the ebb and flow of popularity. A role that seemed of the utmost importance at the time may in a few years seem to be making a big deal out of nothing or reflect upon what is later considered the belligerent views of the past. But Muppets? Muppets are timeless. Any actor (or any kind of performer, be it singer or host) who plays a role with Muppets will forever have a mark for or against their career. A scene interacting with Muppets will either make or break an actor, as can be seen many times throughout the past. Let me illustrate.


Upstaged!

If an actor gets totally upstaged by the Muppets, it will always be their own damn fault. It is a clear sign of them being simply not a very good performer. As you can see with Jimmy Fallon here, he is flustered, mildly confused, and just not very funny. It’s no wonder Elmo upstages him, and even Rosita doesn’t get his jokes. If a Muppet is way more entertaining than you in a joint scene, there is something seriously wrong with your craft, end of story.


Why So Serious?

Sometimes someone thinks they are way too cool, talented, or important to act with Muppets. I can safely say this about every performer who has ever existed: No, you are not too important to act with Muppets. No one is. There’s plenty of people who have engaged in petty contests with the Muppets (contests which they always lose). Marked either by performing with bored abandon (like Robert DeNiro pretending he’s Elmo) or simply aiming for too faux-lofty a subject (Peter Sellers telling Kermit about his own existential nightmare). But it’s Whoopi Goldberg who takes the cake by managing to be both bored and far too lofty as she reminds Hoots that she has neither wings nor feathers, and comes this close to forgetting it wasn’t still The Color Purple, all while glancing knowingly at the camera. There’s being proud of who you are, and being too proud to chat humanely with a talking owl. Poor Hoots.


But I’m Famous

Some people understand that either they’re not very good, or at that the Muppets are way better than they are. However, instead of simply owning up to this fact in a responsible way, or even striving to actually become better at their chosen profession, they try to mask this fact by simply pushing the Muppets to the backseat. Little Miley Cyrus here understands that in a Battle of the Bands, Dr. Teeth would kick her scrawny butt back Montana (that’s where she’s from, right?), so instead she practically cuts him out of the skit to make more room for her stage persona. I bet the Electric Mayhem thought they were going to get to play that night, but instead found their mikes cut and some pop playing over them.


Keep Trying

Not everyone is perfect, but there are those who give it their best regardless. They understand their limitations, and are perfectly able to compensate them simply by doing the best they can. The end result may end up maybe a little bit off, and while commendable it’s still not the best, though not for lack of trying.


The Best (go ahead, watch the whole episode)


The actor whose screen presence can match and compliment that of the Muppets, is among the top tier of performers. For instance here. Madeline Kahn has nothing to prove, no axe to grind, and in the end shows just how awesome she is by hosting one of the best episodes of the Muppet Show ever. If nothing else proves this method of judgment, this is it.

Wow. I surprised even myself with the efficiency of the Muppet Factor. You critics watching? This is the proper way to critique people. Now if anyone wants me, I’ll be forcibly guest teaching the Cinema History classes down at the community college.