A wise old fortune cookie once told me, “If you love something let it go. If it returns, it’s yours forever, if it doesn’t it was never yours to begin with.” Wise words indeed, but I’ve been thinking recently that this should start applying to things we don’t love so very much; things we have perhaps gotten a little bit sick of. I propose that we, as a world, just stop doing certain things for a while, let them sit, and when the time comes (believe me, we’ll all just know) let them start up on their own again. If these things are truly something to have around, they’ll crop back up eventually, and our love and appreciation for them will have grown exponentially during the time they were away, something about absence and hearts and fodder (again, fortune cookie). If everyone forgets about them during the break, and no one ever brings them up again, then we’ll be able to congratulate ourselves on dodging a societal bullet and never have to deal with it again (much like what I hoped would happen every summer break from school, although this idea never seemed to have caught on.)
This may sound like pretty out there notion, but let me assure you there is a precedent to this sort of thing. Take a look back at Romantic Comedies. They hit a heyday in the times of early cinema, but after the Audrey Hepburn years ended in the early 60’s, they just kind of drifted off the map and everyone forgot all about them. The genre had run out of steam, all the stories had been done and all the clichés had become too commonplace; everyone was bored of Romantic Comedies. So humanity did itself a favor, and just stopped making them. It was a nice long break from the French film Irma La Douce in 1963 until someone decided to make another major Rom-Com, when Woody Allen made Annie Hall in 1977. His new and innovative take on the genre revitalized the public’s interest in Romantic Comedies, paving the way for Matthew McConaughey.
Woody Allen’s fault.
My point is, this has happened before, albeit by accident. What’s to stop us from joining together as a global community, and doing this kind of thing on purpose for the benefit of all mankind? So let’s just take a break from things like:
Romantic Comedies: Boy howdy, what ever were we thinking bringing these things back? I mean, I suppose the genre has its merits when it’s starring the likes of Audrey Hepburn, or even later generations actresses like Goldie Hawn, but it has once again reached a saturation point well beyond the time when we should have stopped making these things. Look at this list of the top examples of Romantic Comedies on Wikipedia. You can see that clear break between 1963 and 1977, but even more importantly, compare the size of the lists before and after the break. Yes, Woody Allen decided the world needed to bring back the Romantic Comedy, but I’m not sure even he knew the floodgates he was opening. Not only are the plots tired and rehashed, but the genre is also a prime breeding grounds of heinous criminal careers like the aforementioned McConaughey and Dane Cook (although, he also has benefited from the “dysfunctional family on vacation in a Vermont cabin” genre , one which is also desperately need in a semi-permanent break). So, it’s time to give ourselves a break and stop this madness for now, or possibly forever.
The “F” Word: Seriously guys, this is one that has gone far enough. Aside from pronouns, articles, and conjunctions, can you think of a single word that pops up with the frequency of the “F” word. One of the first rules of writing is to refrain, as much as possible, from using words like “thing” and “it”, because they are purposefully vague and end up sounding like filler words for when we can’t think of anything else. The “F” word is exactly that as an adjective, except it has become accepted and even encouraged. For instance, if a movie is rated PG-13, it’s merely a commercial project pandering to the lowest common denominator. If you toss in the “F” word enough, bumping it up to an “R” rating, it’s to be taken seriously as an Oscar contender. It’s a vague, often meaningless word, made inane by its overuse and overdependence. It’s barely even a foul word any more, because it’s barely even a word anymore. With such a Brobdignagian vocabulary at our disposal, we can come up with better adjectives for our everyday use, and that is why we should all just take a break from this word, for now, and possibly forever.
Autobiographies: I don’t have that much of a problem with autobiographies themselves, but their biggest problem also stems from their biggest strength: they’re a biography written by the person they’re about. The problem therein is that the person pretty much has to be alive to write it, and right now there’s really no one alive that has led a life that worthy of a biography.
The progress of autobiography readability over time.
The lack of biographable people combined with the public’s continued acceptance of autobiographies still being published has led the massive, dirty autobiography industry to horrible, horrible crimes. Don’t believe me? Three words: “Miles to Go”. And since those three words were so popular, I’m going to revise that to add another two words: “Extended Edition”. Also, since the only thing a person needs in order to be worthy of an autobiography is a pun based title describing the most frequent hardship overcome in their life, this is one of the few genres of literature, where you can actually judge the books by their cover. For this reason, we really have to take a break from this genre of books for now, or possibly forever.
Comic Book Deaths: Okay, this is a big one. This is a problem that has been going on so long that it has its own Wikipedia page. Once people said, “No one stays dead except Bucky, Jason Todd and Uncle Ben”, but it has become so all encompassing that it has been revised to leave out two thirds of its own original exceptions. The problem is not necessarily it’s own impermanence, but the fact that when it is impermanent it means it shouldn’t have been done in the first place. I have multiple t-shirts with Aquaman on them, and yet someone thought it was a good idea to kill him. When someone decides to bring him back to life, undoing a mistake that should never have been made, the act of solution adds to the ridiculousness of a situation. That is the problem. The idea of a comic book character dying is often employed as a cheap tactic for dramatic effect, emotional heart string tugging, or possibly just shock value. But all of these things rely on the rarity and permanence of the trope, and without them it is useless, thus it continues to exist without any real purpose. My suggestion serves two purposes; it lets us take a break from having to endure these mistakes in writing, and also it allows the trope to rest and regain its meaning for potential later use. I hereby challenge DC, Marvel, and everyone else to set aside a lengthy period of time to just not kill anyone. No casualties, no cannon fodder, no red shirts, no women in refrigerators. Just have everybody live for a while year or so, and see what we think at that point. You might find that we only want to pause this trope for now, or possibly forever.
Vampires: Long time coming. On the one hand, they’re already pretty overdone. But look deeper at what we, as a civilization, are doing with vampires right now. They pretty much fall into three categories: either they’re gory slasher villains, or they’re sexy, sexy bad boys, or they sparkle. It’s those three choices, or nothing.
As a fourth choice, they can sell breakfast cereal.
With all the things you could do with vampires, from a cutting commentary on the members of society who figuratively drink the blood of the innocent all the way to Blacula, the only thing we have to offer right now is the most basic array of sex, violence, or sparkles. No range, no variety, nothing deeper, just those three things. The problem isn’t that we’ve told all the tales there are to tell about vampires, it’s that we’re limiting ourselves to the best portrayals a Middle School mind could come up with. This is why we need to take a break from vampires, for now, or possibly forever.
Reality TV: No explanation needed, just take a break from this. Forever. Period.
